A better, more patient mother.
I visited a blog by an Australian photographer tonight. She's incredible. Her work is beyond inspiring. It's everything I could ever hope to be. Really. It's that amazing. And she has such a sad, tragic story.
I've spent the last three or more hours, since my children fell peacefully to sleep, reading, studying her blog. Crying rivers. Bashing myself for my short temper, my lack of patience with Emma's endless lists of questions, with her arguing with my every direction. I need to stop. I need to emit a more consistent flow of kindness. Oh, how I would beat myself up if a tragedy should befall us. I would never forgive myself. That's all I've been able to think about while reading this beautiful woman's words.
I tell Emma and Noah both a hundred times a day how much I love them. Really. I do. No exaggeration. I probably say it too much, if there is such a thing, but I also tell Emma, "In a minute.... hold on a second.... etc." at nearly every request she makes of me. I shouldn't do this. I should let the house get messy. Neglect my computer a little more and my life a little less.
I know these things right now, but will I remember them tomorrow?
In the middle of reading her words, studying her photos, Noah woke up whimpering. He never wakes up whimpering. So, with tears still streaming, I swept him up and rocked him on the bed for a while. A long while, until he was nestled deep in my neck, little legs and arms tucked tightly into my chest, fast asleep. I was savoring the smell of the Johnson's baby lotion and wondering why I don't do this nightly... Why do I lay him down with his blankie and paci and walk away and let him put himself to sleep? I should take these minutes to rock him and love these baby moments. They disappear so quickly.
I need to be better. I do.
8 comments:
You ARE a great mom!!!!!! Every mom feels this way from time to time, where we seem to yell at the kids alot of aren't as patient as we should be....but its okay! I think that we all have "moments" like this too, where we feel like the worst mom in the world and cry to ourselves about how we need to be better....but guess what, then we all are!
Don't EVER doubt yourself, I've seen you in action, and your such a great, incredible mother!!!!!
Baby....you are the mommy in the world...and not only that you are doing it by yourself! I'm so lucky to have you as the mother of my kids...love you
*sigh* Are you reading my mind?!? This is been one of those days, and I'm sitting here at my computer telling myself those exact things over and over. If motherhood is somthing I've wanted so much for so long, how come it has to be so HARD?
Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one, and inspiring me to do better. I'd love to read the blog you mentioned!
I disagree with you!! It is great that you teach your children patience (more parents should!) and, more importantly, that they know you love them. You are a great mother!
Also, glad to hear the infamous rash is clearing up! :)
Great blog! I've actually been M.I.A for the past few days or so for this reason especially. I noticed that I'd became so overwhelmed, I forgot that the "hold on 1 minutes" added up to hours!! I devoted a few days to catch up on my work & house instead miscellaneous stuff and was able to spend this spring break focused completely on the reason why I have a house & work. My Family!! Now next week my patience still maybe a bit wiry but that's all about being a mom.
Your doing a great job girl! Very inspiring all the time!! Take care!
dude u freakin ROCK. stop it. i need to to be better too.
u need to link up to the australian blog, i wanna read about it!
stop that, girl! you are an incredible mother! and we ALL beat ourselves up at night. i know i do! and yet i,too, tell my children 100X a day how much I love them...i just visited the "sheye"...(can't remember last name) site. so sad and makes me want to cherish EVERY day with my boys. thanks for the inspiration:)
I think that same thing everyday! I always vow to change, but I seem to just fall back into the same routine of rush rush rush. I think everyone feels that way and it says a lot about you that you know you can do better and you try. I would worry if you didn't think that way. It shows your concern for your children and if you have that then you will always try to do the best for them.
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